Euphoria

Dee Rudram-Ellis intends to explore and unpack the meaning of identity, both her own and that of and individuals she knows intimately. This piece is a single part of a larger body of work intended to explore her husband Axel's dysphoria and complexities of life being married to a pre-op trans male. While society tends to focus on the journeys of the transgendered individuals themselves, Dee is experiencing the journey as a partner. Axel came out to Dee a month before they got married, requiring her to navigate the transition between dating a woman to being married to a man. There is a lot of pain, grief, and heartbreak that comes with the happiness, joy, and freedom felt on behalf of the love of your life. To try and explore the relationship between these two individuals would take a lifetime. So we start with one piece.

Top surgery is out of reach for most South African trans people. Axel deals with this by using a binder; a compression garment designed to spread the breast tissue flat to mimic a flat chest.

However, the more comfortable and discreet option is taping.

Watching Alex tape is like watching someone sculpt. It’s a process that can take many attempts until it’s just right and his silhouette is good to go. When he gets it right, his face lights up as his physical self starts to match up to the self within his mind. No matter what other emotions may happen later, the rash when the tape is removed, the emotional pain of watching the dysphoria rebuild, the executive strain of adjusting activities around the ability to bind or not ...

This moment, here and now, is euphoric.